I saw her, something was wrong with her, she was very nervous
She was fidgeting, she seemed not being able to sit still.
Her chest was fluttering like a dying bird. She could hardly take a breath,
She was trying and trying, as if all her feelings have decided to escape her rib cage at the same time.
She was sad, broken, and undeniably in need
Yet, she was looking for a place to bury her head so no one can see the pain through her bitter eyes
She was striving to hide her agony from everybody.
I know her, she has always been a strong woman.
I have always known that that smile was hiding lots of sadness but she never revealed it.
I know her, it is not easy for her to show how fragile she is.
She doesn’t like wearing makeup so much but if this is the only way to hide her pain, she would do it.
But she told me,
After she lost the battel against her tears, she told me!
She was standing in front of me, it took her quite a long time to find the right words to describe her feelings.
She didn’t want to cry, she wished not to lose her strength, she was even trying to smile.
But this time, she was fighting a losing battle.
And the winner was the tears!!
She told me
“I am afraid to sleep”
She was hysterically crying.
She was definitely in pain, but I was not sure if the pain was from the rolling tears on her cheeks or it was coming from inside.
Her tears were different, they were like a volcano eruption that burns everything around.
I let her cry hoping that this is going to be the beginning of the healing journey.
She is afraid to sleep!!
She is afraid of dreams!!
She told me:
“every night, when my energy drained, and when it is my bedtime, I get anxious!
I am afraid to go to bed, I am afraid of being attacked every night by a nightmare.
The thought of going to bed every night terrifies me”
Her body was shaking, she was drowning in a sea of tears.
She told me..
“I spent the last three hours of my sleeping last night awake. I was awake, my eyes were opened, I was aware of everything around me. I can see the sunshine spreading all over my room.
I was a wake but I couldn’t leave my bed. I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t neither stop that dream nor defend myself.
I was imprisoned in my bed, lying down, not being able to escape till my jailor released me.
In my dream, I saw my day, I had a fight. I was terrified, I was crying silently, my heart was squeezed.
And when I got finally released, I went to take a shower, I affirmed and promised myself that today is going to be a beautiful day. But my day wasn’t good, my dream come true.
I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to have these bad dreams that tell me how my day is going to be.
I want to stay up because when I am up, I can choose my thoughts and my daydreams. But when I am sleeping, I don’t choose my dreams.
I don’t even know what to call this, is it imagination!!
Or just an enemy!!”
She looked at me desperately
“ I am afraid, please tell me what I should do”
I held her hands, hugged her, I didn’t know what to say to calm her fear but I promised her that she will be fine
And in my mind, while I was hugging her, I was looking at my reflection in the mirror behind her and saying, “I am afraid to sleep too”
Welcome to me world
Remember! If you wanna do it, do it now