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Sleepless Night

 

I just can’t call it a day and go to sleep peacefully!

The in – person interpersonal connection seems to be so difficult these days with the power of social networking apps. Technology makes is easier for us to avoid making real connection with people. We deliver our emotions and feelings via emojis which is way far than how we actually feel, we can easily fake it!. 

I used to live in the USA before moving to UK, making friends and talking with strangers was -at least until the day i left US- easier than UK due to the cultural differences. It was normal to make eye contact with people and wishing strangers happy day. People there are more relaxed specially in the states where i lived.  Americans are more friendly, one of the mechanism i used to use to avoid talking while i was waiting for a bus, for example, is to pretend that I don’t speak English! 

Cultures are not meant to be the same !

The situation is different in UK though, people here are more reserved, they respect your privacy to the extent that even if you crossed there path, they  would act as if they were not seeing you!  They are clever enough to read your body language to figure out which way you are going without making any eye contact with you!. Even without putting in my headphone to prevent someone from talking to me, they won’t talk to me anyway, it is really rare that someone might initiate a conversation with you! . I learned how to look at the floor when i walk, and mind my way, act as if i didn’t notice who was walking next to me. One of the things i was worried about when i moved to UK is -as a shy person- how to make friends in this kind of culture!

I am not criticizing the English culture, I love my experience here and i am still in love with Great Britain 🇬🇧 . But what i found is that the more i do avoid people and mind my path, the more i become anxious to be me around people for the fear of not being accepted. As a result, I became isolated and alone.

I live a life free of real people!

I have lots of friend scattered across the world, social media is actually helping me to keep up with most of them. Every couple of days, either someone ask me a question or initiate a little chat, sometimes i get comments from few of them on something i posted. I engage with people via watching their days on Snapchat, or reading posts on Instagram. Although i know that what we usually  post is a piece of our lives that we want to show others, i am not gonna lie, watching people living their lives makes me feel as if i am left behind, this is not doing any good for my loneliness.

My friends who follow me on social media, know that i am “ok” when i post something on one of my accounts, posting is like telling them that i am still alive!. All of these random connections do not give me the satisfaction i want or the fulfilling relationships I desire. Posting periodically on social media does not mean that i am ok, or i am not struggling !! But  I guess with the changes in how people communicate and check on each other, social networking apps seem to be the preferred way to keep in contact with each other. 

My life is all about  going to the gym, working on my PhD, reading books,  journaling, listening to music, watching movies in weekends, learning new things, and having some walk in the nature a couple of days a week. Oh ya “ and watching people on social media” !!

I live the lifestyle that is described as a healthy lifestyle, “except social media part”, my lifestyle is almost perfect, most of the self development speeches and books recommend having such a lifestyle to increase creativity and productivity. 

My life to me looks perfect, yet, part of me still deep inside feeling lonely! 

The hardest part in my day is the night. When it gets dark, i want to end the day and go in a deep sleep so i prevent myself from overthinking and realizing how empty my life is, however, it is sometime hard for me to sleep, as it happened to me last night.

Humans are a social species, relies on cooperation and interacting among each other. To make it sounds more deeper;

Souls need other souls 

What feeds my soul is having deep connection, deep conversation, real talk about ourselves. It is not just talking, it is give and take relationships that involves deep listening as well. 

I never lose hope 

I don’t know how to end this loneliness, i keep getting advice regarding how to break the loneliness cycle, although i find it hard ! I don’t have the energy. It is about the qualities i am looking for in people that has been hard for me to find.

*********

This was just a thought after the sleepless night i had, now i need a miracle to survive the day and  get to work on my thesis although i doubt that i can do anything today!

29 Sep. 2020

8:30 A.M

Namaste 🙏🏽

1 thought on “Sleepless Night”

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